“No matter how many copies it sells, no matter how bad the reviews are, writing this book is going to change your life.” Those were the words my writing coach, Dr. Shirley Garrett, uttered to me last April. At the time I didn’t think much of them. Now as I sit here on this first Sunday of October, with the fall foliage in full swing, I am haunted by her prophecy. I have never been comfortable being a cliché or fitting into a category, but if there is such a thing as “mid-life crisis” I am experiencing it. I have spent the last five months walking around completely confused as to my sense of purpose, or just ignoring it. What used to be a keen focus and an ability to compartmentalize has slipped through the gap that separates my middle left finger and pinky. I am lost, possibly clear on what I want to accomplish yet limp when it comes to execution. For the first time I go back to Dr. Garrett’s words and wonder what is the connection to my cloudiness and publishing a book? “You Can’t Do both” was released May 1, 2014. A little over 500 hard copies of the book have been sold to this point and another 400 on Amazon. It’s certainly not threatening the New York Times’ best seller list. It hasn’t been any kind of life-altering whirlwind, yet Dr. Garrett was exactly right, my life as I knew it is upside down. What changed? And what does any of it have to do with the book? Where am I headed? The publishers of the book insisted that I get myself on Facebook. I had proclaimed many times that I would never be found on that type of social media. My propensity of running from my past, the fear of rekindling any old spark, and a narcissistic need to be mysterious kept me from any reconnections. On May 15, 2014 I joined the world of “here is my business and welcome to it.” All the years of hiding, avoiding, and being an enigma were over. I was now conversing, sharing, and catching up with high school classmates, college classmates , frat brothers and former students I had taught back in the 1980’s. To my surprise, I was very much like everyone else. I was a kid in a candy store, asking myself why I had waited so long to open this door. I think I have always walked that fine line between self pride and insecurity. I have reasoned that my insecurities prevented me from sharing portions of my life. But writing a book and jumping on Facebook was an indication to myself that I had reached a level of comfort in regard to who I had become. Writing a book made me realize I want to write. It is strictly an inner need that I believe has always been inside me. When it comes to my writings I have one goal: to publish a second book. It is hard and tedious work. It’s ironic because the guy who thought he was happiest with nothing left to accomplish, now pushes everyday for results. As much as I desire to pursue my passion for writing, of late, I have found myself floundering with a complete lack of focus. I feel like I have finished something and am resting in an intellectual abyss. Since ‘You Can’t do Both’ was released in May, there are specific things I can point to that have changed for me. For the first time since I was 18, I have allowed myself to head down the road towards home. I have spent my life determined to not look back, to only see what is ahead. While writing the book I was forced into my past. I realize most of my current angst relates to that. I have revisited and reconnected to people and places that I have hidden from for the last 35 years. People like my childhood friend Todd Krieg, my college roommate Steve Digregorio, my college basketball teammate Chris Kahn, ex students Carol Haywood and Scott Hughes, and my brother Gary. I went home to Muhlenberg, to New Paltz, to Allentown, to the old yearbooks and newspaper clippings. I got back some of the things I lost and it has brought me great joy. I have discovered things that I missed, opportunities squandered, and it has caused me pain. Writing an introspective book and traveling backwards has brought me to the proverbial fork in the road . Timing is everything in life and recently the trail I have been riding on has ended and I am standing still. For five months I have been “on the go” yet my personal growth is stagnant. I have processed much about my past, along with consideration for my current situation in life. Although little is clear I feel the change coming on like never before. I am not sure if it all has to do with the book, but Dr. Garrett was right on. My life is in major transition. Since May, I could describe the last five months as my research. How do I want to spend the next 30 years? What people do I want to spend my time with? Where do I want to spend it? What do I want to accomplish? I don’t have the answers but I do know it is time for me to start searching for them.
How Writing a Book Changed My Life.
