My daughters were not the only ones who were displeased with some of the specific content of “You Can’t do Both”. One particular chapter drew more ire than I would have liked or could have anticipated . The story (The Junk Man) was about a local family, who, over three generations have garnered wealth by being successful in the recycling business. Later in my life I became friendly with the family patriarch “George Sanford”. We formed a unique bond that was something in between father-son and brothers. Or as I use to kid George old man to older man.
As time passed, and George and I shared many meals and even more libations, our wives (Laura and Donna) also became friendly. ( They claim bumping into each other looking for us). On top of that, George ‘s son, Nick and I went from being very casual acquaintances to good friends. Over time I learned that George and Laura had lost a child to a rare disease at the age of 27. Just prior to George passing due to complications surrounding cancer I had started to write the first few chapters of “You Can’t Do Both ( George knew nothing about it). My book was turning into a story about families, the pangs of growing up, parenting , and plenty of emphasis on father-son relationships including my own. It was shortly after George’s funeral that I decided there was a story I wanted to tell regarding George and the Sanford’s family.
I saw in the Sanford’s family all of the elements I was writing about at the time: coming of age, wealth, ambition, loss, addiction, marriage, love, and mostly father son relationships. Admittedly so, I wrote the story having known George for only seven of his 72 years. I wrote it relying primarily on interviews with Laura and George’s friend since childhood Judge Finley. Purposefully, and quite possibly not correctly, I wrote it with zero input from Nick. It was clear before I wrote any words that nothing would be published without Laura’s approval. That was a hand shake deal between two friends. The names were changed at the bequest of Laura and to protect myself against any inaccuracies. To confuse my critics some of inaccuracies were purposeful.
In the end my finished story was turned into a painful tale that many felt shouldn’t have been told. When it was complete I asked myself, “What is this story about and how does it fit into the rest of the book?” I have the same answer today as I did then. 1. It is about a close family trying to live life after losing a child and sibling. 2. It is about a man who loved his family and his business with equal passion. 3. It is about a father and son who loved each other as intensely as any father and son could yet struggled to find common ground. 4. It is about an intelligent young man who had all the material things you could ever want in life but battled addiction and finding his place. 5. It is about a mother who dealt with her loss by assuring herself she would never let herself feel that kind of pain again.
The day the hard copies of my book came to my office I called Nick and asked him come see me. I made an unrealistic request to Nick to read the whole book and gain some context before he reacted. Nick left my office with book in hand. Within ten minutes Nick returned to my office. “Your book is way off. I thought you were my friend. You can go fuck yourself.” I understood why Nick said what he said and wanted to ponder my own intentions. Not totally surprised it was the first shot of a barrage of people who wanted to know who I thought I was to write this. Some of the heat I found very credible, some not so much so.” How well did you know the Sanford’s?”” It wasn’t necessary to talk about Nick’s problems.” “All your other writings have been positive and non-judgmental this story you were nasty and sanctimonious.” “George would have hated this story. George was never disappointed in Nick.” ” Who do you think you are?”How many times did you have dinner at the Sanford’s house?” ” You should have talked to Nick before publishing and not after.
As I look back I do have regret in regards to this story. There is more than just an inkling of credibility to what is said above. As I tediously reread a story I have read 1,000 times, I do hear a tinge of the mean and judgmental voice that I call out others for displaying. With a do over I would have talked to Nick first – not after. I would have been more sympathetic to Nick’s struggle’s, the same ones I myself continue to fight. I stand behind the message of this story, however I do wished I had let Nick know about the story before it was published.
I have not seen Nick since that day in May when he told me to go fuck myself. At the time I told him I understood and that I wanted to write a story about someone who turned their life around and that it is never too late. I told him that in a few years I would write it about him. I have heard that he is turning his life around. He is recently married and sincerely fighting his demons harder than ever before. Most importantly I heard his relationship with his mother is stronger than ever. If it means anything, that offer I made that day in my office is always out there.
